Dear Recruiter

Hello, and thank you for sending me your job posting for a  JAVA DEVELOPER  in  GODFORSAKEN GULCH, IA . I regret to inform you that this does not meet my needs for the following reasons:

☒ This position is not in my area, and does not mention relocation

☒ This is a contract position for under a year and makes no mention of contract-to-hire

☒ The position’s main technology requirement isn’t even on my résumé

☐ The position’s main technology requirement is for “5–7 years” of a technology that burst onto the scene two years ago

☐ Your client’s business model is a transparent attempt to clone someone else’s success

☐ Your client’s business model is a transparent attempt to clone someone else’s failure (N.B.: ask for your full fee up front)

☒ You do not seem to understand that “Javascript” is unrelated to “Java”

☐ I don’t expect you to be a programmer but you apparently can’t even use your mail client correctly and for God’s sake turn on spell-check

I understand that it saves you time to do a keyword search on a résumé database followed by blasting out form letters that specifically target those who are:

  • Underqualified
  • Desperate
  • Just as willing to do a half-assed version of their job as you are to do a half-assed version of yours

I understand this works for many clients: there are enough underqualified, desperate people with half an ass to go around, and recruiters who care about their clients’ needs frankly charge more than you do. However, any company that would use someone like you for recruiting is a company I wouldn’t want to work for (and would be hesitant to use products/services from, since I know the quality of their employees), and so I respectfully ask you to remove me from your contact database.

So this letter isn’t as much a waste of your time as yours was of mine, I’d like to offer a new slogan for your firm, free of charge: “Matching miserable people with miserable jobs at miserable companies since  YEAR .” It has a nice ring to it, and it’s exclusively yours,  RECRUITER NAME  of  BUZZWORDS STRUNG TOGETHER INC !

Sincerely,

Watts Martin

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  4. myriad-pro reblogged this from chipotle and added:
    So brilliant. This is exactly what I need to combat the 10+ recruiter emails I still get every single fucking day for...
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    This is quite funny. That is all.
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    smug, but kinda funny
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    This just might come in handy one day
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